A Man's Guide to Shopping
Extracted from the
Husband's Survival Manual, Chapter 7 - Preparing One's Self
for a Shopping Expedition.
- Remember for women, shopping is something to do. For men,
shopping is something to get done. Women shop. Men raid.
- A man will spend $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will spend
$1 for a $2 item she doesn't need.
- Learn the art of self-hypnosis. Attaining an ambulatory catatonic
state will make the time go by a lot faster.
- Shopping locations are like watering holes. Women congregate
there. Take advantage of the situation to get a couple of good
- Stay away from a room of women in full shopping fever. You
are less likely to get harmed if you rolled on the floor of
a slaughterhouse then took a dip in the shark tank at the aquarium.
- Do not come between a woman and her prey (anything marked
"sale" or "50% off").
- Listen to a tape reciting the words "cute" and "adorable"
over and over again until you can no longer hear the words.
This will prepare you for trips where baby clothing or clothing
for little girls is to be purchased.
- Get used to it: women comprise only 50% of the population,
but they own 80% of the clothes and buy 90% of the remaining
20%. Make that 99% if taking about underwear.
- There is no such thing as "too many shoes."* If
you don't believe me, why does the average mall have one electronics
shop, two bookstores and 32 shoe stores?
- Having an item in pink does not preclude having the same item
- The two things that will frustrate a woman the most when shopping
are: having no choice, and having more than two choices. Remember,
a woman can spend more time shopping for a dress than she does
buying a house.
- Do not try to keep pace with a woman in full power shopping
mode. You will just burn yourself out. Hang back in loose trail
formation and try close the distance in the turns.
- Resign yourself to the fact that there is no correct answer
to "which one looks better" or "does
this make me look fat?"
- Scientific studies indicate that the average house fly has
a more predictable flight pattern than a woman traversing a
shopping center. Traveling in a straight line is an anathema
to her, and having already been in a store or aisle does not
mean she will not return. For those who wish to know more about
this phenomena, read up on Brownian
Motion and Chaos
- Do not argue with women about color. The average woman can
name over a thousand different colors. The average heterosexual
man can name 8 - those in the basic box of Crayolas used in
- Bring plenty of money.
of the future when excavating the closet of the average house
will come to the following conclusion about the species Homo
Sapiens: the males of the species were bipedal; the females
of the species were centipedal.